Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
