I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
