I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
