Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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