I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
