Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
