maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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