I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
