Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I believe in your delicious
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
