I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
