if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
