Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So here I am, sexting at work.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
