I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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