nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
