My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
