if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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