They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hippo gnu deer
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
