it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
