her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
