I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
