What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
