when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
