If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
