My Higher Power is John Stamos
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
ugly people sure do ruin things
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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