Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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