fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
