It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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