She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
