Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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