i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
