My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
