He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
