Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
