If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Houston, we have a blender
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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