im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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