ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
