Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She's the barista slut.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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