I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
