I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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