it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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