I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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