did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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