My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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