I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My pussy is not your playground.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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