First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
