I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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