When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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