Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
