Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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