wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
