just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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