dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
