all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
