I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
